Staying Sane over Mother’s Day

Almost everyone has a holiday which can be a trigger. The December holiday season brings joy and a sense of well-being to many, but for others, it can serve as a painful reminder of what they don’t have or disastrous holiday memories from the past. Thanksgiving is similar- while some enjoying loving family gatherings and plenty of food, others face arguments,  hurt feelings, an overindulgent uncle,or an insulting grandparent, making the day dreadful. 

Mother’s Day is one of those holidays. For families who can freely celebrate moms and grandmoms, it can be a day of flowers, brunches, and family traditions. However, for millions of individuals who would do anything to be a mother, it can be weeks of trying to avoid florist ads featuring smiling moms surrounded by perfect children, TV commercials for chocolate with Mother’s Day bows, and days spent trying to figure out how to gracefully decline Mother’s Day invites. 

If Mother’s Day doesn’t bother you and you can fully embrace celebrating moms in your life, do it! Stop reading!

If however, Mother’s Day is indeed a trigger for you, read on….

For most women who are experiencing infertility, Mother’s Day can be the worst day of the year. It is a day orweekend celebrating the role you want most in the world-a role you have probably spent immense  time and effort trying to achieve. For those who have never experienced the pain,frustration, and isolation of infertility, it can seem perplexing that you aren’t satisfied with focusing your time and love on your mom or grandmother, or mother-in-law. In my decades of counseling women, men, and couples on their  infertility journey,i am always amazed bt how ignorant, inconsiderate, or oblivious  friends and family members can be. How can anyone expect you to feel happy and loving on the very weekend that represents what is making you so miserable?Their comments certainly don’t help. Remarks like “why can’t you just be happy for others?”, or “you are being so selfish, you need to focus on your mother and sister because it is their day”, or “you are ruining the day for your mother” can be incredibly hurtful. 

So here are some Do’s and Don’ts for this weekend. 

DO’s-

Set aside time on Sunday for you. You don’t need to subject yourself to a whole day of festivities if there is a chance they will make you miserable.

Arrive late or leave early if there are events on Mother’s Day that could be especially hard for you, such as watching nieces/nephews give gifts to their mother and grandmother.

If you are going to a family event with a partner, decide on a signal which means you have to leave immediately. 

If you are going to a family event, there is nothing wrong with going for a walk, taking a nap, or assigning yourself kitchen duty.

Consider volunteering at an event which might be low on their regular volunteers because they are off for Mother’s Day-such as a homeless shelter, food kitchen, or animal rescue facility.  

If there is an event that you felt obligated to say yes to, but now can’t bear the thought of attending, develop a stomach bug or an exposure to COVID. 

DONTS’-

Don’t set aside your own feelings and emotions to please others. Infertility is a disease that causes equivalent emotional pain to cancer, HIV+, and heart disease. 

Don’t feel obligated to host a Mother’s Day event, even if you have done so in the past. Unless being the host is easier on you than being a guest.

Don’t  force yourself to go to a store which features hundreds of prominently featured Mother’s Day gifts. Order online or over the phone for delivery. 

Similarly, don’t make yourself peruse hundreds of Mother’s Day cards. Ask your partner or a friend to pick up a card for you to quickly sign.

Don’t  get mad at yourself for struggling on this day or blame yourself for not being happy for others. There are plenty of other people who can be happy for the moms in their lives. 

I often remind my patients that infertility is a challenging journey, and future Mother’s Days won’t always feel this way. Therefore, it’s essential to prioritize your well-being this Mother’s Day. Take this opportunity to nurture yourself, show yourself kindness and empathy, and create a day that meets your needs.