Infertility & Mental Health: Strategies to Feel Better
There are so many situations, people, events, and places that can trigger you as you are going through the roller coaster ride of infertility. Most people just don’t get it and can’t understand why seeing a pregnant woman on the street can ruin your day. But there can be many triggers:
- Walking past a maternity shop
- Seeing a baby who is the same age as the baby you miscarried would have been
- A social media post asking for stroller/crib/bassinet/car seat recommendations
- Getting a text from a friend who started trying the same time as you, telling you that she is pregnant with her second
- Being too bloated from your meds to fit into your favorite jeans
- Seeing yet another 50 year old on the cover of People insisting that her pregnancy was a result of her own eggs
- Going to the bathroom anytime toward the end of your cycle
- Anyone in the whole world announcing their pregnancy.
There is research documenting how infertility causes anxiety, depression, irritability, loneliness, resentment, jealousy and anger. But what individuals and couples experiencing infertility need isn’t to be told that feeling these emotions is normal, but instead what they can do to feel better.
So here are some emotional and physical strategies to feel better.
Try out some of each and continue to use the ones which work for you. You might find that some work better when you are anxious, and some work better when you are mad. And the only way to know what will help is to sample them all.
One key to figuring out what tends to work for you is to think back to when you were a child or teen. What were your passions? Did you love to bake? Was ballet or modern dance or dancing to jazz soothing? Did you play sports? Did you love to read/play video games/volunteer/garden/experiment with different recipes/run? Most adults don’t seem to be able to find the time to pursue their old passions but during a crisis like infertility, remembering and pursuing things which made us happy years ago might still make us feel good now. Or at least better than you might be feeling today.
Physical Strategies
1. Move your body.
You don’t need to run, or head to the gym, or buy a Peloton. But simply moving can significantly improve your mood. Walking is the best thing one can do. If you have a dog, great; If you don’t, borrow one. Or go to a local animal shelter and ask if you can walk their dogs. Dogs are always in the moment – they may have walked the exact same walk yesterday, but today is a whole new world. If you have a friend or relative who is capable of supporting you, walk with them. You can talk about infertility if you want or anything but.
2. Figure out a relaxation technique that works for you.
The easiest way is to download an app (many will give you a free one-week trial) like Calm or Insight Timer or Happify, and listen to different methods in different voices (like a dreamy British accent). Your mind will definitely wander at first, but the more you practice, the more relaxed you will feel.
3. Be silly.
Put on your favorite band or musician on a speaker. At high volume. Dance. Sing out loud. Listen to your favorite song more than once. Pretend you have a microphone.
4. Follow your passions.
Depending on what you enjoy, consider creating a garden/window box/herb garden in your kitchen, or just buy a nice-smelling plant, like a gardenia or lily.
5. Indulge yourself once a day with something delicious.
If you enjoy savory foods, think about a hot pretzel (with or without mustard), a slice of yummy smelly cheese, or a small bag of flavored popcorn. If you are a sweet person, try a couple of pieces of really good chocolate, a cupcake, or a couple of scoops of ice cream. With sprinkles. Or hot fudge.
Emotional Strategies
1. Create a list.
Write down all the things you know can help you feel better, like a hug or flowers or binging on your favorite old tv show or movie, or reading Gone With the Wind or Harry Potter or the Hunger Games a fifth time. Keep the list on your phone, and if you are having a bad day or moment, do something from your list.
2. Differentiate the people who actually get it and those who don’t and act accordingly.
Plan walks or meals with friends and family members who can and will support you. For those who can’t or won’t (and you know who they are), either avoid them or do things which don’t require talking like going to a movie or concert.
3. Be selective about your social activities.
If you are invited to an event you don’t want to go to, like a baby shower, a gender reveal, or first birthday party, don’t go. Simply send a gift instead.
4. Challenge yourself.
Do something you have always wanted to try but never had the time or courage to do, like rock climbing, the most complicated recipe in a Julia Childs cookbook, reading a ridiculously hard book like Ulysses, or starting the novel you’ve always wanted to write. If that feels too overwhelming, keep up #5 under physical strategies!
Infertility is really hard. There can be daily triggers, comments from friends, relatives and coworkers, disappointing calls/messages from your clinic, and unexpected pregnancy announcements from people you didn’t even know were trying.But given that this is the challenge you are facing right now (but not for forever), you need to nurture yourself. Try each of these strategies – some will work, some will feel just wrong, some will work on some days, and some will work on other days. Or you might come up with completely different things to help yourself feel better. Just remember that the key is to keep doing things for you.
For additional tips on managing your emotions, visit our blog, Staying Sane or contact Ali Domar, Ph.D.
