How to Stay Sane After a Pregnancy Loss

Experiencing infertility and/or after infertility treatment is a profound crisis. The moment you hear the news that you are pregnant, or see the positive home test, your mind may go into ecstatic overdrive: how to tell your partner (if you have one), how to tell family and friends, thinking about names, wondering about the sex of the baby, nursery plans, and even thinking about maternity clothes. 

Then comes the devastating news- whether it is a “chemical pregnancy” (very early loss, before an ultrasound can detect it), a clinical miscarriage, or an ectopic pregnancy. All those joyful fantasies come crashing down. Sometimes, there are warnings, such as bleeding and/or cramping. Othertimes is completely unexpected, such as a blood test not showing a normal rise in the pregnancy hormone or an ultrasound not showing a heartbeat or showing the embryo in the wrong place,  like a fallopian tube. Regardless of how you learn that this very wanted pregnancy has ended, it is the worst news you could hear. 

What You Need to Know about Why This Happened

There is nothing you did or didn’t do  to cause this. This did NOT happen because you were anxious about the pregnancy,  got annoyed with your mother-in-law, moved a heavy chair,had a glass of wine before you knew you were pregnant, ate junk food, forgot to take your multivitamin for a few days, took a long walk, felt a ambivalent about being pregnant despite all those months of trying, got into a fight with your partner, drove over a pothole, or braked suddenly.  Miscarriages almost always happen for physical reasons, most often because there was something wrong with the fetus. Pregnancy loss is incredibly common; depending on the age of the woman and man, it happens in  15% to 50% of all pregnancies. 

Common Emotional Reactions to Loss

After a loss, many emotions may arise: sadness, anger, anxiety, isolation, fatigue, tearfulness, impatience with others, trouble sleeping, guilt, and difficulty concentrating. If you are feeling any or all of these emotions, it means that you are having an completely normal reaction to this loss. If you have a partner, they may not feel exactly the same way. Their first priority might be to take care of you. So they  might not show the same level  of distress.  For you,  this is a very concrete experience- your body felt different, your breasts may have gotten larger or sore, you may have been bloated, and with the loss, you may have had cramping and bleeding. If you had to have a D&E, there is often some pain after. But for your partner, all of this has been abstract; your appearance did not change, and their body didn’t feel different,  making the loss harder to comprehend. 

How to Deal with Family and Friends

Coping with family and friends after a loss can depend on whether or not they knew that you were pregnant. If they knew, hopefully, they will understand the significance of the loss and  quickly provide support and love. If they didn’t know, you need to decide if you want to tell them.  Not telling them spares you from potentially insensitive comments and having to explain repeatedly  why you hadn’t told them. However,  if you do have family or friends who can quickly get over their shock and offer immediate support, you might want to consider letting them know. Because pregnancy loss is so common, someone you know as likely experienced a miscarriage and/or an ectopic pregnancy and can provide the best support. Understanding how you are feeling and what you need. Be aware that even loved ones may say hurtful or insensitive things due to the myths about miscarriage. Remember, nothing you did or didn’t do caused this, no matter what anyone says.

Coping After the Loss

You may experience unexpected triggers, such as seeing pregnant women who seem to be due around the time you would have been. The same goes for pregnancy announcements, baby showers, and gender reveals.  Your due date can cause a lot of anxiety and sadness, so plan to do something special for yourself that day. 

Many individuals and couples find comfort in ritual or action to honor the baby’s soul. Writing  a letter, planting  a tree or bush, having s special prayer, creating a piece of jewelry with their birthstone, or asking a spiritual leader to pray for you, are some ways to honor the baby.  

This is a time for self-nurturance for you. Pregnancy loss takes atoll on your mind, your body, and your soul.  Society doesn’t have any established way to honor and mourn a pregnancy loss, so you need to think about your needs and how to meet them – whether from or with your partner, your family,  friends, church or spiritual organization, and finally, how you can meet your needs. This is not the time to feel guilty for self-care. You need time to mourn and then heal.

There are so many ways to help you recover: journaling about the loss, talking to a loved one who has been through it, make a list of 20 things that bring you joy (beautiful flowers, dark chocolate, hugs, listening to your favorite band, dancing, baking, watching an old movie, etc).  Think of coping strategies that have worked for you in the past and try different ones until you find what helps you now. 

The pain will pass. Don’t let anyone pressure you into trying again until you feel physically and emotionally ready - not your partner, your doctor, your mom, anyone. Follow your gut feeling- you will know when it is time.